Crabby Housewife

The Empty Nest

November 17, 2016 July 7, 2016 By Crabby Housewife Leave a Comment

Dear Mommies,

For years now I have said that when the time comes that the empty nest won’t bother me. After all, it will mean more time for me to do the things I love and I’ll have known my birds have flown the coop and are ready for the adult world. No one warned me that it happens before retirement when you might have other things to distract you.

I wish that someone had warned me, or perhaps that I’d listened, that there would be times when I’d feel extremely lonely. There would be times when the house is so quiet you long for any type of kid noise, even if it was the girls fighting again. That animals are great company, but they don’t talk and tell you about their day. That husbands and wives can reconnect, but husbands are still working and so you have many hours to fill all by yourself. Some days it does not bother me. I have my writing, I have my pets, I have friends and family close. Then, there are days that drag forever.

I wish someone had warned me how hard it is to get used to shopping and cooking for two people again. How sad it is that there are events that the adult kids aren’t interested in going to and you can’t really make them because they are adults after all.

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I wish I’d known how fast childhood zips by. When they were very little and caring for them was labor intensive, the days seemed long. And, while I enjoyed every moment of their growing up years, when I look back on it, I wish I’d taken more time to sit on the floor and play, to go on adventures, to share my heart with them, and most of all I wish I’d spent more time pouring God’s word into them. While I did this, I do feel my focus at times was on teaching others and helping others and I did not put the focus where it should have been – on my kids.

Before you know it, it is time for them to go into the world and you suddenly realize that there is so much more you want to say. There are lessons you never got to or maybe you lectured at them and they tuned you out. You wonder if they know how much you love them, the hopes and dreams you have for them, and if they know that you are their safe, soft landing if they need one. That you love them fiercely even if you disagree with them.

There will be times when you’ll see a family out or a mom out with kids. Your mind will immediately leap back to those days when you were so busy raising your kids that you didn’t have time to enjoy your kids. You’ll be tempted to tell the other mom to embrace this time, but then you usually just say something like “they grow up so fast.”

No one ever believes that statement when they are in the midst of raising their children. It is only after they are grown that you look back and realize just how fast it all went by.

There are days when I am so proud of the women my daughters have become. I feel like I must have done at least some things right. There are other days when I wish I could shrink them back down into small children and do it all again. Only teach the important things, not nag them as much, not worry that they might be bothering someone else, and just take time to have more fun.

They are their own people now, with their own views on life, politics, love, and everything else. Some of those ideas line up with mine and some do not. While I still am a part of their lives and I still do my best to speak truth into their lives, it is a fine balancing act between angering them because they think I’m interfering or nagging and fighting for the things I care about in their lives.

Most of all, the biggest change that I didn’t see coming, is just how often I do have to bite my tongue and then go to my prayer corner in a quiet spot in my office and take it to the Lord. I have truly had to learn to let go of some things and trust in His plan for my children. After all, they are God’s first, and even though I love them and want the best for them, my vision is murky. This is not easy for a control freak like me, but I’m working on it.

I find myself thinking about their future and the big impact decisions now have. Even small things, like what major they choose in college, how long they stay in a job, can result in problems later. I wish I could impart the wisdom of having lived 46 years right into their brains. Instead, I suspect they think Mom is old, outdated, old-fashioned, and clueless. They’ll learn. One day their children will leave home and they’ll realize mom knew a thing or two.

My daughters are also at a time where they may soon meet the men they’ll one day marry and bring into our family. Ever since I was pregnant with my youngest and my oldest was about 2 and 1/2, I have prayed for these men they will one day marry. I have prayed very specific prayers for the type of men they will be, how they will love the Lord first and foremost and then my daughters through the Lord’s eyes. I have prayed for these men very specifically, I know their traits, and I know that God is faithful to answer the prayers of those who cry out to Him. Still, I worry.

I worry that they’ll not choose the man God has planned for each of them. I worry if the person each marries will fit into our family. Will I be able to at least tolerate them? What if they have vastly different viewpoints on big issues that matter a lot to me? Will I be able to at least be kind and not alienate these men? Surely the men I’ve prayed for will line up with God’s word? I know these young men, after all. I’ve been praying for them since they were little or perhaps even before they were born.

So, I find myself more and more often going into prayer warrior mode for my children and for the people in their lives and the circumstances they find themselves in.

So, mommies, when people tell you “they grow up so fast,” they truly do. There will come a day, and it isn’t as far away as you think, when you long for the sound of children running through the house playing and the neighbor kids grabbing Popsicles out of the freezer. You’ll long for the sleepovers with a dozen rowdy young people chattering and acting silly. You’ll long for the conversation and the buzz of family life. Because, once they move out, your home grows quiet and still. All that’s left then are memories of busier times and the promise of possible grandchildren one day who will hopefully visit enough to again give you those moments of pure joyful noise in your home.

The Park with a Cinderella Carriage

March 25, 2016 December 1, 2015 By Crabby Housewife Leave a Comment

My childhood growing up on the east side of Indianapolis consisted of long summer days playing outside, driving past Big Al Green’s, and trips to Ellenberger Park to play in the carriage. There are times when I look back on those days and my heart aches for what children are missing out on today. We ran with the other kids until the street lights came on and we spent barely a minute indoors. We got multiple bee stings, ate gluten and didn’t worry about it, and didn’t worry so much about simply everything.

Anyone who grew up on the east side of Indianapolis knows the exact carriage I’m talking about when I mention I played there. It was a giant orange pumpkin you could crawl inside of on a playground called Ellenberger.

The carriage had giant yellow wheels. Inside the carriage was a bench you could sit on, or you could pretend to drive the carriage if you wanted to climb onto the bench on front.

Ellenberger Park was a hub of activity back then, in an area that was surrounded by nice homes and nicer people. In the winter, the kids took to the hill with their sleds or visited the indoor ice skating rink, pretending to be Dorothy Hamill. Some girls even had her signature haircut.

Surrounding the carriage was a patch of dirt, likely worn down by the hundreds of children who dashed to that carriage, pretending to be Cinderella or pretending to drive the carriage.

In front of the carriage were three little spring type things you rode on. These were at most parks in the 70s and were shaped like animals. The best way I can think to describe them is as a rocking horse on a giant spring. They had handles and you rocked back and forth until you felt as though you’d tilt right off the thing.

Childhood seemed so simple back then. The world was a different place. We need more carriages and playground equipment on giant springs. Or maybe we just need to once again discover that innocence that made the world simply a better place for children to live.

When You Try to Help a Homeless Man and Get Called a Harlot

March 25, 2016 November 20, 2015 By Crabby Housewife 2 Comments

All week, I’ve been battling back pain as I mentioned in my last post. That’s given me a lot of time to sit and think and I was remembering about this time two or three years ago when I tried to help a homeless man and he called me a harlot.

I had been in PetSmart shopping. I had taken out $20 for spending money for the week, which is typically more than enough for me to get a couple of diet colas and things here and there (okay, the kids always got most of it). I had just gotten back into my car when I noticed a man in ragged clothes, unkempt, and obviously homeless.

My heart ached for him as I watched him go from trash can to trash can searching for food. He found a little drink left in one and sipped on it. A few fries in the bottom of a fast food bag followed. I immediately knew I need to give him that money so he could get a warm meal. It was one of those moments when God speaks to you and tells you to do something and even though you consider just giving the man $10, you know you need to go ahead and be obedient.

I have to admit that I was feeling pretty good about myself. I mean there are few things that will make you feel quit as warm and fuzzy as sacrificing your diet cola money for someone, especially when you feel God is leading you to do so. Jewel in the crown? Give me one, please. Yes, I was feeling pretty self-righteous and God usually puts me in my place when I feel that way and boy was he about to this time.

I approached the homeless man with the money outstretched and said, “Sir?”

He looked up and his eyes locked with mine. I anticipated his reaction. He’d smile a crooked smile and be grateful for my help. I smiled, waiting for the relief on his face. He slowly lifted his arm, a bony finger pointing at me and screamed the words.

“Get away from me, you harlot. HARLOT! HARLOT!”

So much for my moment of philanthropy. At this point people were staring at me and I hate nothing more than being in the spotlight like that. I had no idea what they were thinking. Did they think maybe I’d propositioned him? I was mortified, honestly. I fled to my car and locked the door as he continued to scream that I was a harlot. I also didn’t know if he’d get violent, because he seemed capable of it.

After a minute or so, he moved on down the row of trash cans. I sat for a moment shaken, before the absurdity of the situation hit me and I started to laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Only in my world would I try to help someone and have it turn out like that. I had also never been called a harlot before, so that amused me as I’m about the farthest thing from that in my conservative little world. I had felt pretty good about my “sacrifice”, which honestly wasn’t much of one at all, and God had shown me what happens when you are seeking glory like that.

Still, the plight of the man stayed with me. In addition to the difficulties he would face with the impending winter and being homeless, he obviously had some mental issues he was dealing with. My heart still ached for him. I am at that shopping strip once a week and I started to notice that he would come through every day at a certain time, searching the trash cans for morsels of food. Needless to say, I didn’t try to approach him, but his plight stayed with me and I started to think about how he could be helped in some small way.

How simple it was to purchase a warm meal and deposit it into one of those trash cans about 30 minutes before his routine. The lesson behind all of this, dear friends, isn’t that we need to help others so we can feel better or have their appreciation, but simply because we need to help. He will never know that the “harlot” left that food for him, and he may have refused it had he known, yet I am certain it sated his hunger on that day.

I’ve not seen him around for a while and I still sometimes wonder if he ever got the help he really needed. Look around your world this holiday season. Is there a neighbor whose sidewalks need shoveled? Go shovel them and don’t mention that you did it for her. Is there a homeless shelter that is short on help? Go help. Sometimes the things that are done that are not seen or recognized are the ones that actually make us feel the best and that are the most helpful to others. Remember who should truly get the glory for things and you’ll be able to figure out how to help.

10 Tips for College Students Who Hate Cafeteria Food

March 25, 2016 November 10, 2015 By Caitlin Soard Leave a Comment

Some college campuses have amazing food service, from huge cafeterias offering any kind of fare students could wish for to fast food services located directly in dorm buildings. However, especially at smaller colleges, you may be limited to just one or two cafeteria options. This can get old very quickly, especially over the course of four years. Here are 10 tips to make the most of your college dining experience, both on and off campus.

1. Don’t underestimate the power of your microwave.

It’s easy to dismiss a microwave as just a way to make popcorn or tea. However, this little appliance can help recreate just about any dish college-style. A quick Google search will pull up hundreds of “mug recipes,” which are recipes that you can typically make with only a few ingredients and a coffee mug. Ramen noodles can also be made with a fancy twist by steaming fresh veggies in the microwave and adding them post boil.

2. Use mobile apps.

If you find yourself ordering pizza often, check to see if your favorite chain offers a mobile app. The Papa John’s and Domino’s mobile apps both offer a function that allows you to earn points toward a free pizza with every purchase. Taco Bell’s mobile app often offers app-exclusive coupons, such as $2 off of a $10 order.

3. Get creative with the daily options in your dining hall.

Most campus dining halls offer certain items daily and also have a rotating menu of other offerings. Don’t be afraid to mix and match things from different lines to create your own dishes!

4. Ask for student discounts

College towns know their main customer base is usually students, and they also know college students are broke. Many places will offer a discount to students—you’ll probably need to make sure you have your ID on you, though.

5. Take advantage of campus kitchens.

Most dorms offer an in-house kitchen with a stove and oven for residents to use. As long as you have the cookware, you can make pretty much anything you’d make at home, as long as your cooking skills are up to par with your mom’s.

6. Cold cereal saves lives.

When all else fails, cereal will always be there for you. Especially if you’re up late and nothing is open, cereal makes a fail-safe meal plan. Just be careful to not let milk spoil in your mini fridge (you can buy soy or almond milk to avoid this!)

7. Go to campus events

The fool-proof way to get college students to come to something is to offer them free food—usually in the form of pizza. Go check out some clubs, often the first meeting will include snacks, and events offering food will always be posted around campus or sent via email.

8. Gift cards

With Christmas coming up, you may have relatives who are a little stuck on what to get you. If someone asks, say gift cards! They come in handy when money is especially tight and you can’t afford that Taco Bell run on your own.

9. Campus coffee shops

Often the on-campus coffee shop will offer small things like salad or sandwiches that you can purchase on the go for cheap or discounted rates.

10 Consider a move off-campus

If you really cannot stand eating the food provided with your meal plan, it may be cheaper to look for a place off campus where you could cook for yourself—if your college allows you to live off campus. The main downside to this is paying rent monthly, though if you get together a few roommates, it’s usually doable.

Why You Should Never Give a Friend the Cold Shoulder

March 25, 2016 October 16, 2015 By Crabby Housewife Leave a Comment

I had a very good friend all through high school. We spent nearly every day and most weekend events together. While she wasn’t my best friend, she was a very good friend and someone I cared very much about. We ran in the same friend group, and I really liked her as a person. Then, things changed.

The Friendship Ends

She went away to school, broke up with her boyfriend (who was still a friend of ours) and met someone new. We tried to maintain our friendship, but frankly her new boyfriend seemed like an arrogant jerk to me. Although I thought I covered my thoughts of him, maybe I didn’t. Perhaps there were other factors, such as the awkwardness of the break up. Whatever the case and circumstances, she broke off our communication and I never really knew the reasons why.

I wrote her a long letter telling her if I’d done anything I was sorry and how much I cared about her and our friendship and she never responded. I can take a hint, so I dropped it, but I was hurt. I was deeply hurt and couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t at least tell me what I’d done to merit being dropped as a friend without so much as a goodbye.

Looking on the other side of things, I realize there were other factors at play. An ex-boyfriend who still wanted her back, a new boyfriend who she wanted to please, and her propensity to be a people pleaser. Over the years, I would sometimes think about her when looking at old photos or eating somewhere we’d hung out as teens. I was still pretty mad at her. She’d gone against the girl code. She’d chosen a guy over one of her best friends.

Bumping into Her

A few more years passed and I heard she’d gotten married and had a couple of boys. I had two girls and one day was at Kings Island with my family. My husband bumped into her and brought her over, all excited (he forgets any bad thing anyone ever does to him or to me, which is probably a blessing). She stood in front of me and all I could think about was how angry I was at her. I was so mad, girls. I can’t even tell you how angry I was. I had always been a good friend to her. I didn’t deserve the way she’d treated me.

So, I did what us women can be so good at. I gave her that polite, but cold shoulder greeting. The hug that tells her you don’t really want to hug her. The questions that tell her you don’t really care. “Oh, are these your boys?”, “How have you been?” Women know exactly what you are doing when you treat them that way. It is a signal and they know it and so do you.

I was very cool but very polite, because a southern lady must be polite, right? Well, I am here to tell you that I was wrong and that I was about to learn a big life lesson about forgiveness.

I have always struggled with forgiveness. It’s hard for me. I will let a lot of little things go, but if you wound me deeply, I never forget it. It is definitely a weakness of mine and one I have worked on and am still working on. I suspect I will always struggle in this area.

More years went by and I thought to myself a couple of times that she’d deserved the cold shoulder I’d given her. I also felt if she really cared, she would have reached out after seeing how hurt I still was (like she was a mind reader, right?). I pushed away the memories of good times we’d had together, how easy she was to get along with, and what she’d been through that likely led her to cut us out of her life that way. I sort of smugly congratulated myself on being polite but letting her know what I thought of her.

Aren’t I nice a person? You see, I might have been polite on the outside, but inside I was having the ugliest, most hateful thoughts you could imagine.

A Big Lesson for Me

These days, there is a group on Facebook of alumni from high school. You can keep up with what people are doing, see pictures of their kids when you friend them. It’s a lot of fun, right?

It is until your husband tells you that person you so smugly gave the cold shoulder passed away. That the dear friend you shared your deepest secrets with, stayed up all night telling your future dreams, and who always had your back is gone. That she suffered and you never had a chance to even offer the least bit of comfort to her. There is no more chance to make it right. No chance to bump into her and greet her warmly and with love and kindness instead of that smug cold shoulder.

What I would give to go back to that day and throw my arms around her and tell her how glad I was to see her. To have spent a few more minutes talking to her and to have embraced forgiveness instead of bitterness.

Who are you holding a grudge against right now? Who has hurt you and you haven’t forgiven them? Is there someone you need to make things right with? Don’t wait until it’s too late.

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