I come from a large family. As we kids grew, married, and had families of our own, the holidays started to feel overwhelming. Shopping for gifts became stressful, even when we set price limits. About twenty years ago, my immediate family decided to stop exchanging material gifts during the holidays, even in our home. Instead, we decided to give throughout the year when something truly meaningful came along. Before I say more, I want to be clear. This doesn’t mean we don’t celebrate. We still come together every Christmas, just without the stress of shopping lists and wrapping paper. What we’ve discovered is that the best gifts aren’t things at all, but the memories we create and share.
Why We Stopped Exchanging Gifts
The original reason we stopped exchanging gifts was that gift-giving had become the focal point of the holidays. Who got what, how much to spend, and whether the store would be out of an item created a current of stress that zapped everyone’s energy, and it didn’t really pass on the true meaning of Christmas to the next generation.
When we decided to stop, it felt oddly freeing, but also a little stark, like starting with a clean slate. What we needed was a new tradition. Instead of material things, we could gift memories. Things people never needed to return, always fit, and which blessed the giver as much as the receiver
Story Sharing: The Gift of Memories
One of our favorite traditions is inviting each person to bring a single item and share its story: why they chose it, what it means, and the memory it carries. (It does not have to be holiday-related). These moments spark laughter, nostalgia, and sometimes even tears. The shared memories become gifts far more lasting than anything we could buy in a store and often generate conversation.
Tips for a successful story-sharing tradition:
- Keep your item out of view in a bag or box until it’s time to share. This prevents conversations from taking over before everyone has a chance to tell their story.
- Remember, this is your memory, not someone else’s. You can mingle perspectives—for example, I once shared an antique bank that belonged to my father, explaining why I kept it even though it was broken. It included both my memories and his.
- Welcome others to share their own memories if they relate.
- Recommend: No phones allowed during the sharing time.
Holiday Food Traditions That Bring Us Together
The holidays are rife with food traditions. My mother had started a cookie tradition that is still celebrated throughout households of her grand- and great-grandchildren. We celebrate by baking and decorating them together. Even in this, I can share how her “animal cookie” recipe was from a Norwegian cookbook she received as a wedding gift, and how it was her idea to frost them.
Another family tradition is making pierogis for the holidays. I thought this recipe came into the family because my great-grandmother married a Polish man after my great-grandfather passed. I was probably married 30 years when I learned it was a recipe shared with Grandma by a Polish neighbor. At the time, it became a favorite “cheap” dish to make when things were tight. Everyone loved them, and over time, they made their way into the holiday menu. Today, they are a dish my grandkids bring to the table.
- Revisit old family recipes (where did they start? Teach others how to make them.)
- Start new recipes (You never know, it could be the start of a new tradition.)
- Update an old favorite
- Do a recipe exchange
Smells and flavors become part of your holiday memories, and passing them down keeps traditions alive.
Memory Book or Jar
Invite family members to write down their favorite holiday memories and collect them in a jar or scrapbook. Memories can include:
- Funny moments
- Words of gratitude
- Meaningful insights
- Memorable words from the past
Add to the jar each year and read the notes together. They become especially meaningful when we revisit memories and words of loved ones no longer with us.
Shared Experiences
Plan a low-cost activity like a nature walk, a movie marathon, or volunteering together. Our family just plans a walk after our big meal. It’s fun to walk the neighborhood as a small hoard and it provides time for conversations without phones stealing our attention. Experiences don’t have to be expensive to be meaningful.
Music & Storytelling
Instead of a material gift, have each person add a song to create a playlist, along with the memory or story behind why they chose it. Music unlocks stories and emotions, and sometimes guitars come out, and we even sing together, adding another layer to the celebration.
It’s Not About What’s Under the Tree
At the end of the day, celebrating the holidays isn’t about what’s under the tree. It’s about who’s gathered around it. If the only reason we celebrate is for the gifts, we may be missing the true heart of the season. When we shift the focus from presents to presence, the holidays become more meaningful, more joyful, and far less stressful.
